Wanted: Freelance Broadcast Censor

While Yuki was pregnant, we joked about how we'd need to stop using the more "colorful" words in our vocabularies once the baby was born. You know, the words that seem oh-so-appropriate when someone cuts you off ("Watch where you're going, @#^%&$!") , or when a car blows through a red light right in front of you ("Didn't you see the ##%^#'ing red light, you #%@%%^@"), or when you see a beautiful sunset ("#&%@, that's a #@%#$'ing beautiful sunset.")

We've tried going cold turkey, but it hasn't been as successful as we hoped. The cussing has been reduced, but a bunch of our most favorite words continue to eek through. Babies are supposed to be like sponges, so we're worried that her first word might be four letters and start with "F." That's not quite the Hallmark moment we're hoping for.

So what's a cursing couple to do?

We could try the "Leave it to Beaver" approach and try using "gosh" and "golly" and "aw, shucks" instead of our current list of R-rated favorites. But I'm worried we'd be too wholesome and goody-goody. Mika would probably end up as a serial killer.

I considered the possibility of going "high brow" and replacing our four-letter favorites with 15-letter synonyms. Example: "That guy is so pestiferous... listening to him blather on makes me so umbrageous." But who wants to consult a thesaurus every time some bedlamite cuts you off in the parking lot?

As far as I'm concerned, the only feasible solution is to hire our own FCC broadcast censor who can travel with us at all times and provide a "beep" every time we say something in appropriate. If he/she could figure out how to institute a 5-second delay, even better. If you know anyone who's interested, let them know we're accepting applications as we speak.